Memories
Today I found my diary from first year at uni. I'd forgotten I'd kept a diary then and as I was reading it, so many little things I'd forgotten came back to me.
Most of the entries were about a bloke called Iain who I was very much in love with. He was one of a group of blokes I was friends with and we all used to hang about together all the time. I was having a great time until I felt my feelings for him change but this wasn't requited and when he found out how I felt he started behaving horribly towards me. At times, he was nice, friendly and affectionate. There were even incidents of cuddling and groping which gave me hope but then there were periods when he would completely ignore me. This went on for months and months. It was cruel treatment, he manipulated me basically. He knew how I felt about him and he used that to control me, always keeping me hanging on. I felt so miserable and empty. He was the first bloke I'd really felt anything for. I was strongly attracted to him. As soon as he walked in the room I could feel it. I remember being surprised at this because I thought that sort of thing didn't really exist and that it was just poetic hyperbole. But it was real, I felt dizzy when he smiled at me and my heart really did skip a beat. But, alas what good are such feelings of love when they are not received willingly or reciprocated!?
I was thinking of the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"..............well I think that's absolute rubbish because I wish I'd never met Iain or fallen in love with him because love caused me so much pain and misery. He really hurt me, yet I still think of him at times. I don't think it's possible to forget someone you felt so strongly for.
Anyway.........on a lighter note..........most of that stuff happened before I met Jax and although I was always gloomy ( I still am I think!), I did have good times with Jax and here is an excerpt from my diary of one of these occasions:
"Wednesday 26th Jan 2000,
Yesterday me and Jackie decided that we would celebrate Burn's Night. Well, I decided to celebrate Burn's Night and we both decided to get drunk which we managed successfully with the assistance of Bell's Whisky and Olde English Cider and then Jackie got a sudden urge to stay up all night and being drunk I readily agreed so we spent about 6 hours trying to keep ourselves awake until breakfast at 7.45. We were extremely successful and I had my Weetabix at breakfast for the first and most likely last time this term. We stayed awake by walking down to the Brig and beyond while I sang "Kevin Barry" and by sending misspelt emails to our friends.
There was also a point in the early hours of the morning when we went to the chocolate machine and I ate a ridiculous amount of chocolate - 3 bars to be exact. We went to bed about about 8.30 and I was awakened at 10 by the testing of the fire alarm and I couldn't get back to sleep again so at about 11 I just gave up. I did manage to get a couple of hours sleep this afternoon but I still feel like a zombie from House of the Dead."
hehe, I miss doing all that daft stuff we did.
Most of the entries were about a bloke called Iain who I was very much in love with. He was one of a group of blokes I was friends with and we all used to hang about together all the time. I was having a great time until I felt my feelings for him change but this wasn't requited and when he found out how I felt he started behaving horribly towards me. At times, he was nice, friendly and affectionate. There were even incidents of cuddling and groping which gave me hope but then there were periods when he would completely ignore me. This went on for months and months. It was cruel treatment, he manipulated me basically. He knew how I felt about him and he used that to control me, always keeping me hanging on. I felt so miserable and empty. He was the first bloke I'd really felt anything for. I was strongly attracted to him. As soon as he walked in the room I could feel it. I remember being surprised at this because I thought that sort of thing didn't really exist and that it was just poetic hyperbole. But it was real, I felt dizzy when he smiled at me and my heart really did skip a beat. But, alas what good are such feelings of love when they are not received willingly or reciprocated!?
I was thinking of the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"..............well I think that's absolute rubbish because I wish I'd never met Iain or fallen in love with him because love caused me so much pain and misery. He really hurt me, yet I still think of him at times. I don't think it's possible to forget someone you felt so strongly for.
Anyway.........on a lighter note..........most of that stuff happened before I met Jax and although I was always gloomy ( I still am I think!), I did have good times with Jax and here is an excerpt from my diary of one of these occasions:
"Wednesday 26th Jan 2000,
Yesterday me and Jackie decided that we would celebrate Burn's Night. Well, I decided to celebrate Burn's Night and we both decided to get drunk which we managed successfully with the assistance of Bell's Whisky and Olde English Cider and then Jackie got a sudden urge to stay up all night and being drunk I readily agreed so we spent about 6 hours trying to keep ourselves awake until breakfast at 7.45. We were extremely successful and I had my Weetabix at breakfast for the first and most likely last time this term. We stayed awake by walking down to the Brig and beyond while I sang "Kevin Barry" and by sending misspelt emails to our friends.
There was also a point in the early hours of the morning when we went to the chocolate machine and I ate a ridiculous amount of chocolate - 3 bars to be exact. We went to bed about about 8.30 and I was awakened at 10 by the testing of the fire alarm and I couldn't get back to sleep again so at about 11 I just gave up. I did manage to get a couple of hours sleep this afternoon but I still feel like a zombie from House of the Dead."
hehe, I miss doing all that daft stuff we did.
posted by Catpee at 8:39 pm
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